Diary of a Reluctant Homeschooler: Weird & Overwhelming

Yesterday would have been Nicholas' first day of kindergarten if he was attending our local public school.

I wasn't expecting it to be hard for me to see pictures on Facebook of my friends' kids getting on the school bus with their little backpacks or entering their classrooms for the first time, so it took me by surprise that those pictures made me really sad.

My son won't ever have that First Day of Kindergarten rite of passage experience. He won't ever get to ride the big yellow bus, not even if we send him to public school after we build our new house, since our land is just across the street from the elementary school.

He won't know the nervous excitement of meeting a whole class full of new friends or teachers who are even more excited about his learning than he is.

I know that a lot of homeschoolers think public schools are the devil's playground, but I spent a great deal of time teaching in some amazing public schools with with men, women, and a lot of children who I would LOVE to have share in the experience of raising my son. 

Yesterday was also a day of tragedy in our hometown. You probably heard about the shooting of a speacial needs student at Perry Hall High School in Baltimore. It was national news that hit very close to home for us. We grew up in that area and have several friends who are alumni of that school. Several other friends live in the neighborhood and have children who attend the elementary school.

It was scary and sad. Our hearts ache for the victim and all of the other students, teachers, and parents.

It also brought on a lot of "I told you so's" from home school organizations in this area. Talk about giving some ammunition to that "devil's playground" philosophy.

At the same time, I have been very frustrated trying to figure out the school schedule for the online charter school we will be using this year. They have been very unclear about how the process of taking online classes will work on the kindergarten level and it is overwhelming to me as a new home educator to not know our schedule for next week, whether or not we have to take certain classes, and if we do what time those classes will be. School is supposed to start one week from today and no one has any idea what is going on. I have sent emails, made phone calls, and gone to face-to-face meetings, but I still don't have any answers.

I'm getting very close to wanting to pull out from the online school.

Also, having Nicholas on vacation with my mom last week gave me a glimpse of what life would be like with just my girls in the house if he went to school outside the home. If I'm being honest, it was very appealing. Without my lovable little tornado, my house stayed clean, it was calm and quiet, and I had time to concentrate on my girls and doing things they enjoy, like sitting and reading four or five books in a row. I was much more patient and kind and, with the extra time and attention, Abby is now potty trained!

It stings a little to know that that lifestyle could be a possibility every day if he was at school. Part of me feels like I am cheating two kids for the sake of helping one.

However, I know that this year homeschooling is still the best option for us. It is the best choice for Nick and his academic success. Not to mention that between selling this house, moving in with Eddie's parents while our new house is built, and eventually moving into the new home, he would be in three different public schools this year if we went with that option.

Private schools are out of our budget right now, plus it would mean an hour and a half commute each way once we move in with my in-laws. That's too much for a five-year-old.

However, if the online school doesn't get its act together within the next few days, I'm going to have no choice but to withdrawal and go the traditional homeschooling route. I really, really don't want to do that.

I'm plenty overwhelmed right now as it is between getting this house sold, moving, building the new house, and starting our first (and the way it looks right now, probably only) year as homeschoolers. And, oh, yeah, I still have a nursing infant and a potty training preschooler to take care of.

The last option would be to decide to wait another year and have him start kindergarten next year, but I really hate that idea. 

It feels like saying, "Hey, I know you're supposed to be starting your education and building the foundation for literacy and your entire academic career, but it's really not a great time for me, so... let's just put your life on pause for a minute while I get my s**t together, k? You don't mind being a year behind in everything for the rest of your life so I can take a breather, right?"

I know that there is a very real possibility that he will have to repeat kindergarten regardless of what we do this year, but I want to give him a chance to succeed at the very least. I feel like sitting around and waiting another year assumes that he isn't good enough, and I don't want to accept that possibility without giving him the opportunity to at least try.

No offense to you of that was the choice that you made for your own child, I'm sure you had your own reasons that were perfectly valid for your family. I'm just really having a hard time stomaching the idea of making that decision after fighting so hard  for him (and pushing him to fight for himself) for the past four years.

Who knows? Maybe it would be the right choice. I don't even know if I could pull him out of school right now even if I wanted to, now that he is already registered and in the system.

Why doesn't anybody tell you that being a mom is so freaking hard? It's just kindergarten, for crying out loud.